extinguishing fires

August 4, 2003 &bull uncategorized

mps75.com New York bureau
by Ryan Sylvester

The manager and primary author (Matt Swanson) of this site is an old college friend of mine from Minnesota State University Moorhead (formerly Moorhead State University as it was when we were there). We had always talked about managing a web site together and writing columns for the site, but nothing ever got off the ground. When Matt was able to launch this site, I became a faithful reader of his interesting and witty blog entries. Perhaps because of my devotion, Matt invited me to be a contributor to the site. I have been wrestling, for quite some time, with trying to come up with writings that would be worthy enough for publication on www.mps75.com. I have recently (07/10/2003) moved to New York City and feel I have some experiences and stories that may be worth their weight in server space.

I have been working at New York University (NYU) in the department of resident education for a couple of weeks now. I’m really enjoying the focus on student learning and development in the residence halls and having many colleagues. At my previous university, it was a very small department. Anyhow, on this particular day a very coincidental event occurred.

Our department was invited to have lunch with directors of Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender, and Questioning (LGBTQ) support centers from universities in the northeast region at NYU. I was having a conversation with one of the directors and I was reflecting on something Matt had said to me during college that really taught me a lesson. He had said to me years ago, “When I first met you, I thought you were gay.” I was bothered by his statement and in response to Matt’s questioning of why I was so upset, my justification was that he had labeled me as something I was not, which was a perfect set up for his next question. He asked, “Would you be upset if I had thought you were a fireman?” That moment was the beginning of my awareness of my in-sensitivity and the negative connotation I had placed on being gay.

Following the lunch I was riding the elevator with one of my colleagues. The following dialogue occurred:

Colleague: Ryan, can I ask you a question… and if you are offended just tell me or punch me in the face, or if you don’t want to answer it just let me know.
Ryan: Ok (laughing)
Colleague: Well, ummm, I’m just wondering how you identify?
Ryan: What do you mean?
Colleague: Sexually.
Ryan: Oh, I’m straight.
Colleague: That’s what I thought, but you wouldn’t believe how many people are talking about it and wanting to know, always asking “has it been confirmed or not?” Like I said, I was pretty certain you weren’t but then again you’re in New York City, at NYU, and working in student affairs, so I wasn’t completely sure.
Ryan: (Laugh) Well, let’s just keep it between you and me, keep em’ guessing for a while longer.

I shared the above dialogue via e-mail with a friend/mentor back home who is gay and his response was:

“Oh you sensitive straight guys. Always trying to keep the rest of us confused! Is he or isn’t he. . . . Prepare for the other common comment-perhaps you just haven’t met the right man yet. Personally, I think it’s a compliment to you. Glad to hear things are going well and loving it. You deserve a good place. Stay in touch from time to time. Hmmm… The ‘Adventures of Ryan, A Sophisticated Straight Guy in NYC’ could be the title of your memoirs!”

I found it very coincidental that within an hour my reminiscing about the first person who questioned my sexual orientation it happened again. At the risk of self-glorification I am pleased to say that I have developed over the years and am now at a place where I am aware of the power and privilege I have because of my identity and have worked intentionally to reduce and combat stereotypes. I owe a lot to Matt for his question years ago and to all the friends and colleagues who have given me opportunities to learn and grow. This prevented me from reacting to my colleague today as I had years ago to Matt.

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