Tremendous perfection - an open letter to the president


Dear Mr President:

I’ve been making phone calls for the last 35 years or so. Ever since I was a young boy I’ve had this weird obsession with them, studying the great calls of our time much like a chess master pours over past matches. When I read the “transcript” of your July 25 call with President Zelensky, my eyes welled with tears and, if we’re being honest here, my first thought was, “That son-of-a-bitch! He really did it.” I was torn between feeling jealous and dejected, knowing the bar for the modern, perfect phone call had been set so high as to be practically impossible for anyone to match. But at the same time I was also completely inspired and so very grateful to have gotten a glimpse into what’s possible on the telephone. It’s not every day the common person gets to experience greatness and, frankly, “poetry in motion” such as this. So, I thank you for releasing that wonderful transcript.

I was close to a perfect call myself a few years ago. Like a bowler who’s rolled 9 strikes in a row, however, I started thinking about the forthcoming celebrations and accolades and, simply stated, took my eye off the ball. I flubbed my closing remarks with an embarrassing, “Thanks you very much” and, with that, ended any chance of a perfect call. I know firsthand how elusive a perfect phone call can be and I can’t imagine what it’s like to finally land one after 60+ years and then have people attempt to remove you from office because of it! Perhaps they are jealous, I’m not sure.

I know you’re busy and greatly appreciate your time. Before I let you go, though, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. While my primary passion is phone calls, it seems text messages are diminishing the importance of spoken communication these days. So I’ve been looking for a replacement hobby and have really been getting into tax returns. I’m a bit of a Luddite and still do my returns by hand, but no matter how much work I put into it, I always feel like each year’s return is as uninspired as the previous year’s. If your tax returns are anything like your phone calls, I’m sure you have many perfect ones filed away. Is there any way we can get you to release a few so we can see what’s truly possible?

Again, thanks so much for your time. Hopefully we can catch up in person at next year’s Heartland Conference. Take care and God bless America!